Even if you think of your weight loss as something to celebrate, your partner may not be happy about it — and may even sabotage your efforts along the way.
According to Deborah Gilman, PhD, owner and chief licensed psychologist at Fox Chapel Psychological Services, these signs may indicate your partner is trying to interfere with your weight loss:
- Actively bringing home tempting foods
- Food pushing, i.e., aggressively encouraging you to eat when you’re not hungry or to accept food you don’t want
- Making negative remarks about your weight loss efforts or your body
- Refusing to participate in healthier choices with you, like exercise or trying new foods
- Ignoring your health achievements
- Enabling unhealthy behaviors, like suggesting a “cheat meal”
- Planning situations they know will be hard to navigate, like parties with tempting foods
Why does this happen? Seeing a partner lose weight can cause feelings of insecurity and fear in some people, says Brian King, PhD, a neuroscientist, psychologist, and author of Of Bears and Weight Loss, which details his own journey in losing 100 pounds. Once these feelings are triggered in a partner, says Dr. King, sabotage can take various forms, including those listed above. It’s even a well-documented phenomenon that can happen to people who have had weight-loss surgeries, according to a review published in June 2023 in Current Obesity Reports.
If you’re worried that your partner is sabotaging your weight loss, here are some reasons why they may be doing it, signs of sabotage to look for, and steps you can take on your own — and together — to move forward in your health journey.
Why Partners May Sabotage Weight Loss
One partner’s weight loss may bring up difficult emotions in the other partner, such as jealousy, fear, or guilt, according to King, and the reasons for this can vary.
Says Banita Sehgal, DO, MPH, internal medicine physician and director of women’s health at LifeMD, “It could be that they feel threatened by the changes being made. Or maybe they’re insecure about their own body image, and their partner’s weight loss brings that into sharper focus.”
Some partners can also feel “left out” of the process. “If the couple had previous routines that were not healthy, they might also feel neglected, excluded, or left behind because the partner is dedicating so much time and energy to their weight loss journey,” says Sehgal.
Finally, relationship worries — such as that their partner may leave them or have a desire to lose weight so they can attract a new partner — are also common, according to King.
Of course, all of this can impact how someone treats their partner. “Thoughts such as ‘Why is my partner more successful at their goals than I am?’ or ‘Can I continue to trust my partner with all the attention they are getting from their weight loss?’ or ‘Is it my fault my partner feels the need to lose weight?’ can all plague the non-dieting partner and negatively affect or undermine their behavior,” says King.
Similar issues can even apply to friendships. Erin Renzas, author and founder of Ebb Wellness, lost over 100 pounds and says that while her friends and family generally supported her weight loss journey, she also lost friendships in the process. She explains that because many of her friendships revolved around things like going out to eat or grabbing drinks, once those were off the table, it challenged the relationships.
“Any major personal evolution when you are really making changes can shift a relationship,” Renzas points out. “That’s not just a weight loss thing.”
Types of Weight Loss Sabotage
King notes there are two primary ways that someone may sabotage their partner’s weight loss: intentionally or unintentionally.
Unintentional sabotage could stem from someone worrying about the loss of shared activities — like eating certain foods together — or how their own diet or activities may be impacted. “A non-dieting partner may want to be supportive but simultaneously not feel the need to alter their own behavior,” says King.
The difference between intentional and unintentional weight loss sabotage, notes King, is that in unintentional cases, the partner may not realize the impact they are having, while intentional sabotage is different. “There are people who prefer their partners to carry extra weight, sometimes even fetishizing body weight, says King. “These extreme drives can lead to overt diet sabotage.”
4 Signs Your Partner Is Sabotaging Your Weight Loss
Avigail Lev, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in San Francisco, says that while it’s relatively rare for someone to outwardly oppose their significant other’s weight loss, it’s more common for a partner who subconsciously doesn’t want their partner to lose weight to feel resentful and “express it in different, indirect ways,” such as the following four behaviors.
1. Accusations of Cheating or Statements of Mistrust
According to Dr. Lev, accusations of cheating are a common way a partner may express their fear or frustration over their significant other losing weight. Statements such as “Who are you trying to look good for anyway?” signal insecurity and fear regarding the relationship.
“Guilt-tripping or expressing mistrust about the reasons for the weight loss are also forms of sabotage,” Lev points out. “For example, saying things like ‘You look so much hotter than me’ or ‘You could attract all these better partners than me’ or ‘Now you have more energy and you want to spend more time with your friends or go out without me’ are examples of either guilt-tripping or implying ill intentions to their weight loss.”
2. Complaints About Food Choices
Lev says this could range from statements such as “You don’t cook good meals for me anymore” or “We never have good food around the house” to outright throwing out food that you have purchased or consistently bringing food around that you don’t want to eat.
3. Interrupting Health Behaviors
Along with intentionally or unintentionally sabotaging food choices, Lev says a partner could do things like interrupt your exercise routines — “forgetting” to come home in time for you to make your exercise class or taking the car right before you need to drive to the gym.
4. Body-Shaming Comments
Even if it appears “supportive” on the outside, a partner who consistently focuses on your body could be trying to undermine your efforts. “Saying things like ‘You don't need to lose weight’ or ‘You do need to lose weight’ or excessively mentioning your diet, routine, or weight loss goals is a form of sabotage,” says Lev.
She adds that criticizing the process you choose to lose weight could also be a form of sabotage. An example might be if you’re trying intermittent fasting or doing a specific exercise class like Pilates, and your partner continually makes comments about how “ineffective” Pilates or fasting is.
The Negative Impact of Weight Loss Sabotage
Gilman says that weight loss sabotage can impact you as a person, not to mention your entire relationship. “When one partner sabotages the other’s weight loss efforts, it can have detrimental effects on the individual’s physical health, emotional well-being, and the dynamics of the relationship,” she points out.
“Being unsupported by a partner may cause decreased motivation, increased stress, and a decline in self-esteem,” she adds. “Constant criticism or lack of encouragement may trigger or exacerbate anxiety, depression, or disordered eating patterns in the individual trying to lose weight. Ultimately, sabotage impedes efforts to establish healthier lifestyle changes and makes it difficult for the individual to maintain a consistent routine.”
Because weight loss sabotage can have such a negative impact, it’s important to address it. Research also shows that those who have more support from loved ones are more likely to succeed in their weight loss efforts.
What to Do if Your Partner Is Sabotaging Your Weight Loss
If you think your partner is sabotaging your weight loss, Lev recommends evaluating your previous experiences with them first. Has your partner expressed love and support for you in the past? If so, it may be worth having a conversation about how to move forward. Your partner may not understand how their actions impact you or see how their insecurities affect their actions.
In this case, Lev suggests talking to your partner about your needs and how they can help you with your weight loss journey. This may include things like:
- What kind of food you will purchase and prepare
- Who will cook and prepare meals
- Who is involved in your weight loss efforts (doctors, nutritionists, other gym members, etc.)
- How you will handle foods in the house that you don’t want to eat
- How household routines will accommodate your food and exercise needs
Gilman also encourages anyone in a relationship to share the reasons why they want to lose weight, including how it could impact them and the partnership. “Communicate your ‘why,’ or the importance, of losing weight and getting healthier,” she suggests. This may be especially helpful if your partner fears you are trying to lose weight in order to leave them.
“Before diving into meal plans or workout routines, take the time to sit down with your partner and explain your motivations and aspirations,” Gilman advises. “This conversation isn’t just about informing them of your intentions; it’s an opportunity to create a support system that can bolster your efforts.”
On the other hand, if your partner is not supportive or has been outright critical of you in the past, Lev suggests seeking professional help. This is especially necessary if you notice significant changes such as increased arguments with your partner, passive-aggressive behavior, or abuse, says Lev.
Still, in many cases, says registered dietitian Dalia Beydoun, even if partners don’t have the same weight loss goals, they can still work together to help one partner succeed. “They can embark on the journey of living a healthy lifestyle together by planning meals and cooking together, engaging in joyful exercise together, and offering positive reinforcement for their partner’s achievements,” she notes.
Editorial Sources and Fact-Checking
- Ogden J and Quirke-McFarlane S. Sabotage, Collusion, and Being a Feeder: Towards a New Model of Negative Social Support and Its Impact on Weight Management. Current Obesity Reports. June 7, 2023.
- Bishop J, Irby MB, Isom S, et al. Diabetes Prevention, Weight Loss, and Social Support: Program Participants’ Perceived Influence on the Health Behaviors of Their Social Support System. Family Community Health. April 2013.